The tears of Wu Zetian made my year

Previously, the Civilization series has been one that I’ve admired but never enjoyed. I could understand why people loved it, the scale and ambition of the games was always amazing. But it always felt dull, and if you’ve made a game about taking over the world dull you’ve done something wrong.

Civilization V changed all of this by making the game simple, and fun. This meant I could actually get through the dull years with swords and outdoor toilets, and get to the proper bits. The bits with nukes and giant death robots. And if a game lets you nuke Berlin, you have to nuke Berlin. Not nuking Berlin would be a waste.

In my current game, it’s 1980 and the English Empire spans 4 continents. The entirety of Africa belongs to me, as does Australia. I’ve colonized half of Canada, and the majority of Western Europe. The chances if me not winning are minuscule, but I don’t really care about that anyway. I just want to own the world. The only Civs that could possibly hinder me and France and Greece, and they’re too busy fighting each other to pose a real threat.

This means that I’ve got all the time I want to hoover up smaller nations in preparation for bollocking Napoleon. And while at first this makes me feel guilty, the videos shown when Civilizations fall are such a treat. I got the shivers when Ramesses pointed his walking stick at me. When Beijing fell, and Wu Zetian was trying her best to not get all weepy, I knew that I had to take a photograph. Now I have a gallery of cross dictators. What do you do with a gallery of upset world leaders? Make bad jokes about them.

Never play Monopoly with Bismarck.

If you’d spent more time building armies and less time gardening, this wouldn’t be happening.

Shut it you square-bearded slag.

Well now I feel like a right dick.

He’s looking into my soul, and he disapproves.

He only has that stick to park in the disabled spaces.

It’s a little known fact that Montezuma died after eating his own hands.

That planet you’re looking at? It’s mine.

Grrr.

And thanks to that charming russian lady, I don’t even have to plan my next attack.