The tears of Wu Zetian made my year

1 01 2011

Previously, the Civilization series has been one that I’ve admired but never enjoyed. I could understand why people loved it, the scale and ambition of the games was always amazing. But it always felt dull, and if you’ve made a game about taking over the world dull you’ve done something wrong.

Civilization V changed all of this by making the game simple, and fun. This meant I could actually get through the dull years with swords and outdoor toilets, and get to the proper bits. The bits with nukes and giant death robots. And if a game lets you nuke Berlin, you have to nuke Berlin. Not nuking Berlin would be a waste.

In my current game, it’s 1980 and the English Empire spans 4 continents. The entirety of Africa belongs to me, as does Australia. I’ve colonized half of Canada, and the majority of Western Europe. The chances if me not winning are minuscule, but I don’t really care about that anyway. I just want to own the world. The only Civs that could possibly hinder me and France and Greece, and they’re too busy fighting each other to pose a real threat.

This means that I’ve got all the time I want to hoover up smaller nations in preparation for bollocking Napoleon. And while at first this makes me feel guilty, the videos shown when Civilizations fall are such a treat. I got the shivers when Ramesses pointed his walking stick at me. When Beijing fell, and Wu Zetian was trying her best to not get all weepy, I knew that I had to take a photograph. Now I have a gallery of cross dictators. What do you do with a gallery of upset world leaders? Make bad jokes about them.

And thanks to that charming russian lady, I don’t even have to plan my next attack.





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